Mommy has a crush.
Normally I'm in control of how I feel. I know I am a total control freak. But I have been that way for a long time. Since breaking up with my ex three years ago I will only deal with a man on a minimal basis. I will not get emotionally attached or put too much effort into getting to know them. I always tell myself I don't have time to deal with a man, only when I feel the need(sad but true). This time I got caught up.
The men that I dated all the way up until my ex were gang members( I was young don't hold it against me). Being from Los Angeles this is about 85% of the men. Most of them being so called pretty boys(very common in L.A). My ex and I grew apart and I knew that I didn't want another man like him. So when I moved to Texas I didn't have the same attraction to that type of man. The only thing is that I started dating younger men. My attraction to them was just purely physical. I guess it was easy for me to deal with because I could control the situation. If I didn't like them I would not talk to them anymore. Mainly it was just for convenience.
I have a friend who I absolutely adore. I guess he was sent to me so that I could see what I was doing was limiting myself. He has shown me allot already. I always joke with him about how he needs to step up his game to be with me. But honestly I have to step my game up for him. I see my jokes as a defense to protect myself. Now that I recognize that I have to do something about it(lol). He is the exact opposite of what I was dealing with. His perspectives on different situations are totally different than what I'm use to hearing. I am so attracted to him physically that it hurts. He is sexy as hell, dresses well and always smells good. But his personality and intellect is such a turn on that I find myself daydreaming about him. I haven't had a crush in years(not counting the few celebrities that I like). I mean butterflies in my stomach, finding myself trying to make sure that I look on point when I see him, even if I'm in my lounging clothes. This is so unlike me to go through so much trouble for a man. I'm so use to being in control of how I feel and now my feeling are uncontrollable. I'm trying to just go with it, but being the control freak that I am it is really hard.
